With the Coalition facing a massive defeat according to the latest Sunday Age/Taverner poll -- showing Labor 14 points ahead -- and the most recent Newspoll -- showing Labor leading in 18 marginal seats -- what's a Weasel to do?
Guy Rundle's satirical piece, "Those campaign launch speeches in full", in his weekly Political Science, also in today's Sunday Age, has this line, purportedly written by Howard's speech writer:
We have to do this launch, even with the national emergency scheduled for November 23.
Ha ha ha. But, what has Philip Ruddock, so conspicuous by his absence, been up to? Not a word from Mr Undead for weeks. Perhaps he's been making retirement plans. Not that his seat of Berowra NSW -- with a 13.8 per cent swing required against him -- is in danger. But if the government is routed, being an Illiberal and all, he'll want to resign from politics as soon as possible, say by Monday the 26th, so he can jump straight into one of those plum jobs his ilk always have waiting for them. Never mind the inconvenience to his constituents of a bye-election: he's an Illiberal, after all.
This scenario may be right on the mark, but only as a Plan B to John Howard's instruction some time ago for Ruddock to initiate the only thing that may save the Coalition: a taxpayer-funded, government-sponsored, gen-yoo-ine terrorist attack. With his influence over ASIO -- hell, they only exist for this sort of thing -- and the AFP -- long since in the government's pocket, Ruddock's talent, nay genius, for conspiring to hurt, maim or even kill the defenceless will have seen him burning the midnight oil over his plan to save Australia from Labor. No, wait, that's not quite right. To save the John Howard Party from Labor, that's it. Who gives a shit about Australians?
So, let's look at the week's timetable. Friday 23 November is leaving things a little late. Unless Major Magoo intends to suspend the following day's election as a result. Wouldn't that be daring; his shoulders and arms would be jumping and pumping all over the place. Naturally, he would have Rudd put under house arrest as the chief suspect. That'll bring the voters back. Then again, it may be too obvious. Then again again, if the election is suspended and martial law has been declared, who cares if it's too obvious!
We've got Kevin Rudd's speech to the National Press Club on Wednesday. A definite no-no. Rudd, who is already acting as if he were the Prime Minister, could possibly have Howard put under house arrest as the chief suspect.
No, the best bet, is Thursday, during The Weasel's speech to the National Press Club. His predictable droning on and on could suddenly be interrupted by a whisper in his ear, followed by that lugubrious look of seriousness he does to a tee, and the inevitable announcement. "Mah fellow Australians," gotta imitate Georgie in times like these, "there has been a terrorist attack in a Labor electorate…" Nope, no good. Again too obvious. He'll have to stage the attack in a Liberal electorate to avoid those endless accusations of rorting. "…a terrorist attack in the Liberal electorate of Higgins…" (Taking care of Costello once and for all.) "My advice is that all towns have been wiped out and that several union thugs have been taken into custody. As a further measure, I am placing Kevin Rudd and all his communist colleagues under house arrest pending further evidence. Finally, I am declaring martial law and suspending the election until January or 18 months from now, or maybe even two year hence. Let us now bow our heads in prayer. Especially the one where you praise the Lord and pass the ammunition."
And that is the only way the Coalition can live happily ever after.