Volfango Tuttimiguarda

That's right, that's us. Bilegrip has obtained the services of Italian freelance exorcist Volfango Tuttimiguarda. His mission: remove the curse of John Howard from the minds and hearts of Australians still under the hobgoblin's evil spell.

Our exorcist first came to the world's attention upon his sacking from the Vatican for attempting to rid the infamous nation-state of its anti-Christian influence. His method of exorcism, that of wetting a large head of sacred kale (pictured) with holy Pellegrino water, then shaking it vigorously while hurling canonical epithets at the ruling body of outraged nun-cleavers and anti-abortionists, proved a futile gesture in the event.

"I'm afraid the love of Jesus Christ cannot penetrate that bastion of Satanic power," he said some weeks later, after his successful escape to Australia disguised as the Elect Whacker of the Exclusive Brethren franchise in Italy. Unwitting officials of the John Howard Party were on hand to meet the apparent fellow traveller at Tullamarine airport, along with clockwork representatives of the Australian franchise, only to lose sight of him when he again changed his disguise into that of a little old lady wearing a faded blue cardigan buttoned all the way up.

Tuttimiguarda's most recent success as an exorcist came shortly after his arrival, when he was forced to purge himself of a sinister, open-handed wobble-curse placed on him by American film director David Lynch owing to his suggestion that Lynch's quinoa recipe might be improved if kale were substituted for broccoli. Lynch also took issue with Tuttimiguarda's assertion that the bottle of sugared water the director referred to as "violet" (in his tale of the lone kiosk in the barrens of a dusty Yugoslavian night) was in fact heliotrope.

Accompanied by his assistant, Accursio da Stranacittà, whose uncredited work as Italian film director Michelangelo Antonioni's favourite shoe stretcher is said to have caused the premature aging of French actor Alain Delon, Tuttimiguarda has rented a room in King's Cross from where he has already begun the long and complicated ritual which he believes will restore Australia's soul.

Let us pray.

-- Bilegrip Admin