(Former staff writer Tomás El ("Pinche") Pendejo's sister-in-law, Chinga Sue Madre, dropped this off yesterday. What could we do but print it? -- Olney Garkle)

The following is reprinted from Dani Valent's fyi in the 17 March 2007 edition of Good Weekend. (Copyright, The Age.)

What is a Flat Daddy? It's a life-sized mounted photograph of a deployed US soldier that stays behind in his home to offer comfort and company to his family. Flat Daddies have been around in a small way since at least 2003 but they got a leg-up in 2006 when the Maine National Guard offered them to all families of deployed members. Take-up has been huge. Flat Daddies sit at the dinner table, attend children's sports matches, provide support at the gynaecologist's and visit restaurants (albeit without tipping).

Creepy or cuddly? The foam-backed cut-outs aren't big on hugs, but many mothers say that children with a Flat Daddy feel as if the real guy is part of their lives. It felt silly at first, says Sherri Fish, the wife of a soldier in Iraq, but when her three-year-old son stopped being angry with Daddy for having gone away and started talking to his avatar, she was converted. Sergeant First Class Barbara Claudel from the Maine National Guard explains that many soldiers like the idea of having a doppelgänger on the home front. She encourages families to take their Flat Daddy to parties and weddings, sit him in a chair and take a photo. "Then you send a photo to your soldier and say, 'Sorry you weren't here, but you were really.'"

Are they just for military families? So far, but surely it's just a matter of time before two-dimensional family members replace counterparts absent due to business trips. Be warned, though, military wives have already noted that Flat Daddies do not tidy up, apply Band-Aids or pour drinks. On the upside, they don't leave the toilet seat up, and if they break, they can be fixed with sticky tape.

But wait, there's more. For those families with moms on active duty there are Flat Mommies. O' course, when it comes to the pulchritudinal member(s) of the American Fighting Family, flat just don't get it. Umeruhcans of the male gender want 'em inflated! All they have to do is send away for a Flat Mummy and then peel off the Mummy-sticker and paste it on the inflatable doll. Born-again Christians will want this model, with all its naughty bits removed:

But hell, why stop there? Why not send the whole damn family to war? Like so:

Yep, there's nothing like Umeruhcan ingenuity to keep the home fires a-burnin' while the boys go off to fight the Injuns ... or is it the Commies ... oh, yeah, them Eyerackees. Cause everyone knows Saddam Hussein was in cahoots with Osama bin Laden.

Speaking of ladles, is there anyone left in this consarn family c'n fill this hyar bowl with some o' that thar gruel? Or have I gotta join up to get fed!

-- Chinga Sue Madre