In a strange reversal of roles, I sat down to watch a slasher flick called Wrong Turn, while my teenage daughter repaired to her bedroom to watch the more suitable Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

I've seen enough of these movies over the years to assemble a profile of the men who inhabit these movies, the types who abduct and slaughter pretty teenage girls. (Their boyfriends are often abducted too, but you never see them being hacked up -- just the girls.)

These men all share the following attributes:

1) They live in the backwoods or outside of very small towns, usually in the south of the United States, or in the outback of Australia.
2) They are congenital idiots owing to generations of incestuous inbreeding.
3) They wouldn't have showered in weeks or months or ever, and thus stink to high heaven.
4) They are good mechanics; their pick-ups or utes, however old, always manage to run.
5) If they live near a small town and are sane enough to mix with the townsfolk, they will likely attend the local Christian church.
6) If they are sane enough to vote, their political preferences will always be for the conservative party: in the USA, the Republicans; in Australia, the John Howard Party.
7) Although popular consensus attributes inbred cretinism as the reason for their desire to murder, dismember, cook and eat female teenagers, the real reason no doubt has more to do with their obeisance to right wing Christianity, for which worldly beauty is blasphemous.

It has been said that if you scratch a conservative or an assimilationist you will uncover a racist. But here we have taken the family tree to its genealogical root, that of the repressed and mindless Christian face of your George W. Bush/John Howard supporter.

-- Tommy Pendejo