John Howard needed to come up with some ideas to keep the punters onside for the next ten years of his reign, so he asked wife Jeannette if she had any ideas: "You're the brains behind my brilliant career, pet, what do you think?"

She thought and thought and thought. "Well, let's begin by arresting Malcolm Fraser for treason."

"Splendid," said John, his lower lip thickening dramatically.

"Wait, I've a better, much less messy idea," she said. "We can send him on a diplomatic mission to Indonesia and get the AFP to tip off authorities that he is carrying drugs. They'll arrest him and the next thing you know he'll be sentenced to death. Then you can speak to the nation in that ordinary yet compassionate voice of yours and reassure everyone that dear Alexandre le Downier will do everything in his power to make sure the execution is painless."

John's lower lip was now so thick it was ready to burst. But wait, there was more. His snout was growing longer and longer. "Oh, dear," said Janette, rushing to his side, "perhaps that's not such a good idea. You're distinctly looking like the marsupial that murdered Bill Collins. It won't do for the mob to think you're a werewolf."

"You're right darl," said John, lip and snout zipping back to the shapes we all know and so dearly love. "Any less confronting ideas?"

Janette thought and thought and thought. "You could just keep doing the same old thing. Perhaps you could dress it up as something new."

And that's how she came up with The five great national challenges. You can read about them here.

Drawing inspiration from Mr Howard's sincere desire to remain awake during his second dynasty, Andrew Dyson set out to find the hidden meaning behind these utterly compelling, stunning and magnificent challenges. (From his column Cornered, The Age, 5 March 2006):

Refreshed and visibly reanimated by his decade of success, the Prime Minister has set the nation five challenges, each guaranteed to test its mettle. From the outset it is clear that these energetic challenges are far superior to Mr Costello's pithless bleatings, Mr Abbott's glum desiderata or Mr Turnbull's playboy frivolities. With typical bravura Mr Howard has grasped the vision thing by the eyelash, and skilfully inserted the wedge.

All Australian citizens may enter this epic contest, though the old, the ill and those held without trial are warned that some mobility is required.

For their first challenge, contestants are required to find an honest man. Despite recent eradication campaigns, small pockets of these economic retards can still be found in the less pleasant suburbs, tending their burdock and living blameless lives. Having located an honest man, the contestant must first steal his trousers, then sell them back to him. This will acquaint the victim with the realities of the market economy.

The second challenge is rebuilding the nation's infrastructure without government help. While this is a severe task, contestants with initiative will soon discover that bricks, dead wood and other building materials are readily obtainable, under cover of night, from state schools and other undeserving institutions.

Third, contestants are required to make Australia a more caring place. Caring for those who are less wealthy and, frankly, less attractive than yourself is distasteful at the best of times. Showing that you care is a perfectly acceptable alternative. If you cannot feign this, try pinching yourself discreetly on the thigh, or rubbing your upper lip with onion.

Challenge number four is encouraging the nation's youth. Contestants are reminded that the use of sharpened sticks is currently forbidden by law. Again, use your initiative.

Five -- the quest for decency. Buried beneath the gibbers somewhere west of Lasseter's Reef, the last shred of Australian decency remains. Find it, or die trying.

Contestants are reminded that our national debt forbids the disbursement of cash prizes to those who complete the course. Finalists will instead be presented with a likeness of the PM in pewter, and the comforting assurance of another decade of neo-conservative stewardship. Remember, you have to be in it to win it.

For a further treat, please see Melanie L'Brody's I'm sorry, you and me John, we're over