ABOUT BILEGRIPBased at the arse end of the world (Melbourne, Australia), Bilegrip attempts to examine the minutiae of life for evidence of a positive transformation of the human species. Welcome to anyone who sees said species as something more than a self-serving horde of gullible mugs who view the increase of intelligence with fear.
BILEGRIP ARCHIVESTHIS BLOG HAS TURNED TO STONE. For further inquiries, email: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Bilegrip and its political forebear, Scum at the Top (SCATT), can be accessed through Pandora, Australia's Web Archive:
Bilegrip | SCATT
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THE BILEGRIP MOBBilegrip Admin
God of a local universe called Bilegrip, this entity had ultimate control over everything that moved within the four walls of said universe.
Horrible Horck - The Bleeding Heart With Balls
The debilitating farce that is the endless election campaign of 2007 in Australia, has forced Bilegrip to call upon Mr Horrible Horck, the notoriously nasty, illegitimate cousin of former Political Prisoners of the Future chief, Harold Hark. No one else, not one of the folks listed below, has the stomach to continue reacting to the absolute bullshit that is passing for this pathetic country's political scene.
Of Horrible Horck, little is known beyond the following: he only comes out at night, driving a hopped up and lowered black metallic ute with a pair of bumper stickers that read: F Off White Trash and John Howard is a Nazi. It is rumoured he cruises the streets in the wee hours looking for drunken racists. What he does with them is of interest to no one, least of all their next of kin.
For Harold Hark's brief stint as the Bleeding Heart With Balls, see: http://scatt.bilegrip.com/bleedintro.htm, contained in Scum at the Top's archives.
Sez Balz: "I have seen the glory … and she sure looks good." Bilegrip's resident topographer, Balzy's research on the "mind-loosening" surface configurations and hideaway scissures of the female body have won him testimonials of hedonic rapture from experimental and control groups alike. He also discusses books, movies and other similar stuff.
Tara R. Bümdier
Bilegrip's new election analyst and political commentator, Tara replaces the hapless Chet LaMerde who is still missing, presumed dead. Tara is an American expatriate who deplores her nation's descent into infamy. Do not, therefore, expect unbiased reporting. She's just as biased toward the left as 99 per cent of media commentators in Australia and America are biased toward the right.
Olney is still taking the waters at a local breakdown spa behind the last village on the left. The man who always says the last thing anyone wants to hear is now Bilegrip's head chingon, replacing a spent TG Willikers (see below). Unknown to nearly everyone living or dead when he was a young man, Garkle sank further into obscurity as the real-life star of Harold Hark's two novels: Living in the O and The Moon Food Cafe. Garkle brings to his position as this blog's fuckwit extraordinare not a hell of a lot beyond the PhD he holds in wrecking the lives of others, with a Masters in burnt bridges (often with those whose lives he wrecked still on them). Sounds like just the man for Bilegrip!
Founder of Scum at the Top, Hark is currently on the loose in Europe from where he contributes periodic dispatches when not looking for spare change.
Whenever there is a sporting debacle to be vilified, occasional contributor Hyper Roland is called upon. He used to love sport, but didn't we all?
Of Irish-Dutch descent, Carl O' was born in Rumania a long time ago. He has spent most of his life on the road and is fluent in many languages as spoken in teahouses and dissolute bars. You want travel articles? Recipes? He's your man. For example, his recipe for chai is enough to gag a maggot. It is, however, the real deal, as served by chaiwallahs in the remote forests of Himachal Pradesh.
The following description no longer applies as LaMerde is missing in action, presumed dead: "LaMerde is Bilegrip's new political polemicist who delights in showing no mercy to the right wing, verbally deep-frying them in the fat of their contemptuous, anti-social and anti-evolutionary selfishness."
Tomás El ("Pinche") Pendejo
Bilegrip's newest displaced person, Tommy Pendejo was once the bartender of a thatch-roofed, ten-table, generator-run cabaña on Mazatlan's Isla Piedra in the days before it had electricity. Discovered as the cabron who deflowered the Mayor's youngest daughter, Innocensia, Pendejo was tied to stakes on the beach and forced to endure a night of nearly being eaten alive by cangrejos before being banished from the Isla. Pinche made his way across country to Vera Cruz, where he was nearly beaten to death by drunken musicians who took umbrage to his complaints that all they ever played was La Bamba. Signing up as a deck hand on a boat carrying bananas to Iraq, he was nearly eaten alive by itinerant tarantulas. Recuperating in hospital in Basra, Tommy was inadvertently pronounced dead and shipped in a casket under someone else's name to Melbourne, Australia. When the mistake was discovered, authorities apologized profusely and, as is the custom when immigration officers might be caught out for incompetence, placed him in solitary confinement at Baxter Detention Centre for two years. With a change of government Immigration Minister, Pendejo was deemed to be innocent of any wrongdoing and awarded a further two year sentence. When at last he was released penniless into the wider community, Olney Garkle found him on Swanston Street selling The Big Issue. Garkle immediately recognised him as the Isla Piedra bartender with whom he had shared many joints, numerous packs of Delicado cigarettes and innumerable bottles of Dos Equis cerveza after Garkle's escape from the enraged father of a Hispanic West Texas girl called Immaculata whom he had deflowered while pretending to be a piano tuner. The rest is, er, history.
Gort is a former staff member of Scum at the Top. If he can get hold of some tryptamine hallucinogens, he hopes to write on matters pertaining to extraordinary reality. In his ontological quest, he also wants to know just what in the hell is going to happen on 21 December 2012.
Theodore G. Willikers
The following description no longer applies as Willikers is attempting to flee the country: "Captain of the odd ship Bilegrip, Willikers stands wild-eyed at the storm-tossed helm as he exhorts his crew of deranged mates to get off their lazy arses and contribute."